With the new 4th Generation iPhone coming out soon (also known as the iPhone 4G-HD-DS 2000 Ultimate Edition), there has never been a better time to post inane garbage on the internet as to why you should avoid it like a plague-ridden whore. Since we here at True Internet Facts like our whores plague-free, and we only post the truest of True Internet Facts, we felt it was our duty to tell you why you shouldn’t buy an Android, either. So, since you like facts, in very specific order here’s 15 of the little bastards.

Number 8:
You can only buy them in the color pink. HOT pink. With little butterfly decals that don’t come off. EVER. I mean, seriously. I wanted fuchsia.

Number 97:
The camera only takes pictures at night, and is solar powered. During the day it still takes pictures, but who wants to see the stupid pictures you took with your cell phone?

Number Q:
The android in the Android logo cannot supply a valid birth certificate, and as such, should not be allowed to be a corporate mascot.

Subparagraph 2:
It doesn’t connect to the real internet; it connects to a lesser internet ran by a conglomeration headed by Walmart, AOL, and BP.

6:
They’re free at the local free clinic, but only if you’ve got gonorrhea. So, win-lose. At least you come away with gonorrhea.

Agent 007:
Shit, I forgot to put my Netflix in the mailbox today.

12 Fluid Ounces:
The Android produces clean water emissions, which then trip the water sensors and void the warranty.

Number 3/5:
The Android’s touch screen only picks up touches if your skin is white.

Number 97 Second Edition:
The Android automatically posts every stupid thing you say on Facebook.

Amendment Zero:
The batteries are so bad that they’re actually making the sun burn out faster.

Two-hundred-sixty-three:
The SIM card has very sharp edges and may cause people to commit suicide.

Lucky #13:
It’s responsible for the Star Wars Prequels.

666 The Number of the Beast:
When exposed to bright lights, it produces dangerous levels of concentrated High Fructose Corn Syrup.

12:00PM:
It steals your megahertz.

π:
Syncing not available on Commodore 64 computers.