Archive for category Facts
The Death of the TV
This is purely anecdotal, which means it is irrefutable truth:
The days of passively watching TV are over. We don’t watch it anymore; it gets used for the occasional movie or video game, but it spends far more time off and silent than it does on. Yet, we still see plenty of shows and keep abreast of news as well as anyone else.
Everyone in the house can watch whatever they want to, whenever they want to, and it doesn’t interrupt what anyone else is watching or doing. We use our tablets, our phones, and our computers with services like Hulu, Netflix, iTunes, ABC and YouTube.
In ten years, this will be the norm and the big monolithic black rectangle on your wall will quietly hang there as a monument of a bygone era.
The headstone above the TV’s grave is brought to you by Sony and Google, and it looks like this:
You've got to be kidding me.
A TV’s remote needs to be simple. Distance is already a massive abstraction, which gives a psychological perception of sluggishness, regardless of how responsive the UI is. Thus, information and menus on the TV need to be large enough to be seen from a distance (something video game UI developers seem incapable of understanding), and manipulating them needs to be quick and concise. This is anything but. With the GoogleTV, Google expects you to view webpages – designed to be seen on a screen about 3′ away from you – with it, and, using this “remote,” use it as a “computer” from 10′-12′ away. You’re either going to become frustrated at being unable to immediately see what’s on the screen, or you’re going to be standing up and in the way of anyone else in the room who might want to see what’s on the screen. Even Microsoft learned years ago what a bad idea this is. Engadget, who has a massive unwarranted collective boner for anything pumped out by Google, calls it unwieldy and confusing. They’re trying to turn the TV into a monitor, when the world around them is turning their monitors into TVs.
The Google Cult is extremely excited about it, and thinks it will “revolutionize TV.” However, the Google Cult – if the caliber of Android owners are any indicator – are a bunch of broke, basement-dwelling neckbeards who think everything is owed them and should be priced at an affordable Zero dollars, so until these things start getting handed out for free don’t expect them to sell.
True Internet Fact #3825968
The following song was written about Andrea Barber, better known as “Kimmy Gibbler” on the 80′s sitcom Full House. This was confirmed about 18 minutes ago by some retweet I saw on Twitter.
This, of course, brings the number of Spiteful Songs Written About Full House Cast Members to two.
I’m still working on #3, wherein I lambast Candace Cameron for never acknowledging that I exist.
True Internet Fact #7 Ultimate Edition
Steve Ballmer: Coked-up Frat boy
If repeated often enough, the following statement will show up in Google’s autocomplete search box:
Steve Ballmer is a coked-up frat boy.
True Internet Fact # -121dB
I want his beard.
Tonight we’re going to play a little game I like to call “Build-a-Conspiracy.” It’s like Build-a-Bear, only instead of something cute and cuddly, you get to take home something that makes Mel Gibson lock his food in his fridge so a pack of wild negroes doesn’t rape Julia Roberts.
Since I’m a huge fag who loves Apple shit, I’m going to use the iPhone 4 Antenna story for my example!
Step ONE:
Take a very popular news story that seems wildly over the top or incredibly schadenfreude that gets people in a stupid tizzy, while something that actually affects life and limb (and should rightfully get people in a stupid tizzy) gets barely a mention. These stories will probably share some similarity. In our example, we have the iPhone reception issues – which Apple blames on a minor software issue – being blown out of proportion (with CNN even going so far as to suggest using Duct Tape on it!), while Toyota shifts the blame of their sticking accelerator from their software to the driver. In fact, the antenna “problem” is a bigger problem for Nokia than it is Apple. Whaaat?
Step TWO:
Figure out who is involved in the story itself. In this case, we have CNN, Apple, and Toyota.
Step THREE:
Look at who has the most to gain from the story. In our example, Apple’s main iPhone competitors are, currently, Google, Microsoft, and RIM. Toyota also has something to gain, since it’s distracting people from their stuck accelerator pedals.
Step FOUR:
Add several grains of salt, and put all of these names in a blender. Pour over ice.
Step FIVE:
Take note of any partnerships, business mergers, or general alliances with groups on either side of the argument. Ah, here’s one! It looks like CNN and Google have a common interest in advertising.
Step SIX: Has the subject of the original story done something to provoke any of the parties in step 5? For our example, we can look just a few weeks back, where Apple basically tells Google to piss off by not allowing ads that benefit a direct competitor! It makes some sense, as Google is trying to play both ends against the middle – if the iPhone kills the Android, they get the biggest piece of the advertising revenue pie. If the Android kills the iPhone, they still get the biggest piece of the advertising revenue pie.
Step SEVEN: This is by far the most enjoyable part of Build-A-Conspiracy. Start making connections between all of these different elements, and draw your own conclusions!
Example:
CNN and GOOGLE go into business together with advertising.
The iPhone becomes popular, and GOOGLE buys up ad companies that specialize in iPhone advertising.
GOOGLE releases a direct competitor to the iPhone, which gains market share quickly.
Meanwhile… TOYOTA begins having problems with people wrecking their cars due to what appears to be sticking accelerator pedals.
APPLE stops allowing GOOGLE to advertise on the iPhone, and develops its own advertising engine (iAds).
GOOGLE has a new device, the EVO, released. It fails to live up to expectations, has poor battery life, etc.
TOYOTA releases a statement blaming the sticking pedal on the driver driving it wrong.
APPLE releases a new device. A minor flaw is found. The Internet (in true Internet fashion) blows this out of proportion, claiming every manner of bad thing short of it causing cancer. Steve Jobs flippantly tells an annoying blogger, “You’re holding it wrong.”
TOYOTA will need to spend a lot of money advertising this year’s TOYOT-A-THON.
GOOGLE gets a partner, CNN, to propagate the story, going so far as to exaggerate it.
GOOGLE can now seal the deal with TOYOTA.
BAM.
Step EIGHT:
Blog it! Get other people to blog it! Spread it around! Pretty soon everyone will think you’re nuts. As long as you continue to make things up and blow them out of proportion, you’ll be eligible to become a member of the Republican Party! THEN – if you manage to hold onto your sanity – then you can infiltrate their headquarters and burn it down. After they blow you first.
True Internet Fact #19237429-Alpha
If you don’t listen to The Black Keys, then get out of my face. You suck and you smell like poo mixed with refried beans.
15 Reasons Not To Buy An Android
With the new 4th Generation iPhone coming out soon (also known as the iPhone 4G-HD-DS 2000 Ultimate Edition), there has never been a better time to post inane garbage on the internet as to why you should avoid it like a plague-ridden whore. Since we here at True Internet Facts like our whores plague-free, and we only post the truest of True Internet Facts, we felt it was our duty to tell you why you shouldn’t buy an Android, either. So, since you like facts, in very specific order here’s 15 of the little bastards.
Number 8:
You can only buy them in the color pink. HOT pink. With little butterfly decals that don’t come off. EVER. I mean, seriously. I wanted fuchsia.
Number 97:
The camera only takes pictures at night, and is solar powered. During the day it still takes pictures, but who wants to see the stupid pictures you took with your cell phone?
Number Q:
The android in the Android logo cannot supply a valid birth certificate, and as such, should not be allowed to be a corporate mascot.
Subparagraph 2:
It doesn’t connect to the real internet; it connects to a lesser internet ran by a conglomeration headed by Walmart, AOL, and BP.
6:
They’re free at the local free clinic, but only if you’ve got gonorrhea. So, win-lose. At least you come away with gonorrhea.
Agent 007:
Shit, I forgot to put my Netflix in the mailbox today.
12 Fluid Ounces:
The Android produces clean water emissions, which then trip the water sensors and void the warranty.
Number 3/5:
The Android’s touch screen only picks up touches if your skin is white.
Number 97 Second Edition:
The Android automatically posts every stupid thing you say on Facebook.
Amendment Zero:
The batteries are so bad that they’re actually making the sun burn out faster.
Two-hundred-sixty-three:
The SIM card has very sharp edges and may cause people to commit suicide.
Lucky #13:
It’s responsible for the Star Wars Prequels.
666 The Number of the Beast:
When exposed to bright lights, it produces dangerous levels of concentrated High Fructose Corn Syrup.
12:00PM:
It steals your megahertz.
π:
Syncing not available on Commodore 64 computers.
True Internet Fact #3.1.3
Monkeys throw their feces because they like the smell it leaves under their fingernails.
You know the one I’m talking about.
True Internet Fact #1139B-Sigma
Iron Man is unquestionably the greatest superhero of all time. Iron Woman is a command that should be immediately obeyed without question.
True Internet Fact #887-00M
High Fructose Corn Syrup, when combined with Yellow #5, creates a compound that can become mildly radioactive when exposed to the acids in one’s stomach. If you add cinnamon, the resulting mixture can cause a person’s urine to glow in the dark for a short period.
No one ever sees it because, come on, who pees in the dark?
True Internet Fact #022A
If you hold your tongue between your teeth and say “gullible,” it sounds exactly like you’re saying “orange peel.”
Try it.