I want his beard.
Tonight we’re going to play a little game I like to call “Build-a-Conspiracy.” It’s like Build-a-Bear, only instead of something cute and cuddly, you get to take home something that makes Mel Gibson lock his food in his fridge so a pack of wild negroes doesn’t rape Julia Roberts.
Since I’m a huge fag who loves Apple shit, I’m going to use the iPhone 4 Antenna story for my example!
Step ONE:
Take a very popular news story that seems wildly over the top or incredibly schadenfreude that gets people in a stupid tizzy, while something that actually affects life and limb (and should rightfully get people in a stupid tizzy) gets barely a mention. These stories will probably share some similarity. In our example, we have the iPhone reception issues – which Apple blames on a minor software issue – being blown out of proportion (with CNN even going so far as to suggest using Duct Tape on it!), while Toyota shifts the blame of their sticking accelerator from their software to the driver. In fact, the antenna “problem” is a bigger problem for Nokia than it is Apple. Whaaat?
Step TWO:
Figure out who is involved in the story itself. In this case, we have CNN, Apple, and Toyota.
Step THREE:
Look at who has the most to gain from the story. In our example, Apple’s main iPhone competitors are, currently, Google, Microsoft, and RIM. Toyota also has something to gain, since it’s distracting people from their stuck accelerator pedals.
Step FOUR:
Add several grains of salt, and put all of these names in a blender. Pour over ice.
Step FIVE:
Take note of any partnerships, business mergers, or general alliances with groups on either side of the argument. Ah, here’s one! It looks like CNN and Google have a common interest in advertising.
Step SIX: Has the subject of the original story done something to provoke any of the parties in step 5? For our example, we can look just a few weeks back, where Apple basically tells Google to piss off by not allowing ads that benefit a direct competitor! It makes some sense, as Google is trying to play both ends against the middle – if the iPhone kills the Android, they get the biggest piece of the advertising revenue pie. If the Android kills the iPhone, they still get the biggest piece of the advertising revenue pie.
Step SEVEN: This is by far the most enjoyable part of Build-A-Conspiracy. Start making connections between all of these different elements, and draw your own conclusions!
Example:
CNN and GOOGLE go into business together with advertising.
The iPhone becomes popular, and GOOGLE buys up ad companies that specialize in iPhone advertising.
GOOGLE releases a direct competitor to the iPhone, which gains market share quickly.
Meanwhile… TOYOTA begins having problems with people wrecking their cars due to what appears to be sticking accelerator pedals.
APPLE stops allowing GOOGLE to advertise on the iPhone, and develops its own advertising engine (iAds).
GOOGLE has a new device, the EVO, released. It fails to live up to expectations, has poor battery life, etc.
TOYOTA releases a statement blaming the sticking pedal on the driver driving it wrong.
APPLE releases a new device. A minor flaw is found. The Internet (in true Internet fashion) blows this out of proportion, claiming every manner of bad thing short of it causing cancer. Steve Jobs flippantly tells an annoying blogger, “You’re holding it wrong.”
TOYOTA will need to spend a lot of money advertising this year’s TOYOT-A-THON.
GOOGLE gets a partner, CNN, to propagate the story, going so far as to exaggerate it.
GOOGLE can now seal the deal with TOYOTA.
BAM.
Step EIGHT:
Blog it! Get other people to blog it! Spread it around! Pretty soon everyone will think you’re nuts. As long as you continue to make things up and blow them out of proportion, you’ll be eligible to become a member of the Republican Party! THEN – if you manage to hold onto your sanity – then you can infiltrate their headquarters and burn it down. After they blow you first.
