Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?
Posted by Michael in General Information, Nerding on August 28, 2010
“…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there. It is hard for me to make sense on any given level. Myself is fabricated, an aberration. I am a noncontingent human being. My personality is sketchy and unformed, my heartlessness goes deep and is persistent. My conscience, my pity, my hopes disappeared a long time ago (probably at Harvard) if they ever did exist. There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed. I still, though, hold on to one single bleak truth: no one is safe, nothing is redeemed. Yet I am blameless. Each model of human behavior must be assumed to have some validity. Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do? My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this—and I have countless times, in just about every act I’ve committed—and coming face-to-face with these truths, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new understanding can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any of this. This confession has meant nothing….”
— Bret Easton Ellis (American Psycho)
True Internet Fact #3825968
The following song was written about Andrea Barber, better known as “Kimmy Gibbler” on the 80′s sitcom Full House. This was confirmed about 18 minutes ago by some retweet I saw on Twitter.
This, of course, brings the number of Spiteful Songs Written About Full House Cast Members to two.
I’m still working on #3, wherein I lambast Candace Cameron for never acknowledging that I exist.
I have an iPad and you don’t (unless you do)
I finally picked up a 16GB WiFi+3G iPad a week ago. I can honestly say that I don’t know how I got along before this thing. I haven’t turned my MacBook Pro on once since buying it, and I’m spending a LOT less time at my desk. It’s really the perfect device; it’s larger and more accessible than the iPhone, but far more portable than a laptop or, I’d argue, a netbook. It’s immediately on when I want to do something, and the battery life is astounding.
So you’re thinking, “But it’s just a big iPhone, you moron!”
You’re the moron. After about 2-3 hours of using it, this line of thinking does a total inversion. The iPhone feels like a tiny, slightly pared-down, less robust iPad. Safari on the iPad is, for all intents and purposes, identical to Safari on the Mac or Windows. I’ve yet run into anything of importance that doesn’t work as well or better than a desktop browser.
“B-b-b-but it doesn’t have Flash!”
Browsing the web without Flash installed (or at least with it blocked) is actually a breath of fresh air. Try it. It’ll blow your mind how much smoother and less gaudy the web is without it.
“B-b-b-but it doesn’t have any USB ports! How do I used computer without hooking up all kinds of shit to it?”
You’re a moron.
“B-b-b-but I need my super pro razorback gaming mouse and 35 terabytes of pirated movies with me at all times!”
You’re an asshole, too.
There’s nothing I can really add that hasn’t already been gone over pretty extensively by much better professional reviewers, and I suggest reading what they have to say if you want an exhaustive, point-by-point review. What I do see in the iPad, however, is the future of personal computing. It’s a powerful platform in a very compact package that lends itself to being virtually anything you want it to be. Above all, though, I see the iPad – and the devices it will no doubt inspire for years to come – as the classroom of the future. It’s your textbook, it’s your link to your teachers, it’s where you take notes, it’s where you communicate with your classmates, it’s where you do your homework, it’s where you do your research.. and it’s completely untethered. You can be ‘in class’ while sitting in the back of a car going 70 down the freeway. It doesn’t replace the traditional computer in all things, but it does free you from it for most things. It is, without question, the birth of a whole new paradigm of personal computing, and it’s very exciting to watch.
Oh hey what up
I’m posting his shiz from my iPad suckaaaaaas!
True Internet Fact #7 Ultimate Edition
Steve Ballmer: Coked-up Frat boy
If repeated often enough, the following statement will show up in Google’s autocomplete search box:
Steve Ballmer is a coked-up frat boy.
App of the Week
Each week I may or may not bring you my picks for the best new iPhone app I’ve discovered in the past week. This week, it’s THQ’s Sushi Chop.
Chop Sushi - THQ Wireless Inc.
Price: 99¢
My Rating: 4/5
This game is getting a really bad rap on the iTunes store (2.5 stars, really?!), and I can’t figure out why. Or, rather, I can – there are no less than exactly 1,323 morons who downloaded it.
If you’ve ever played Puzzle Quest, then you’ll know what to expect. Chop Sushi is a very simple, match-3+ game at its core, but the difficulty ramps up gradually as you discover new skills and abilities.
The gameplay is simple – you and your computer opponent have a set number of hit points, and by matching 3 or more pieces of Wasabi in a row, you deal damage. You can move one piece at a time, by tapping the piece you want to move, and sliding it in the direction you want to move it in. This moves the piece to the end of the row or column, and slides the other pieces in to fill the void. As you progress, you can unlock “recipes,” which count how many matches of different sushi pieces you’ve matched and unleashes a variety of powers – such as dealing extra damage, healing your character, healing your opponent, or removing an entire row or column.
The visuals leave a bit to be desired. The actual gameboard has a very mid-90s pixel art feel – which, I confess, as a kid of the Commodore 64 – Sega Genesis eras I find somewhat endearing. The colors are very garish and loud; normally I’d have a problem with this, but the stark contrast between pieces makes it easier to spot matches and keeps the game flowing better than other matching games (such as Bejeweled). It has as certain classic-Japanese arcade feel to it, which lends itself well to the theme.
The music can be a bit grating, but you have the option when you load the game to turn it off (and allow the iPod app to run in the background).
Being almost a year old, Chop Sushi does not utilize the new iOS4 backgrounding APIs; when you leave the game it stops running, and reopening requires you to start anew with the menu system. It’s good about saving your progress, but if you jump out of it in the middle of a match, don’t expect to come back to that match. Given that so many games use this API call now, this is my one (albeit small) disappointment. It’s possible this may never happen, as the game hasn’t been updated since January 2010.
If you want something fun that you can jump into any time that doesn’t require net access (ideal when sitting in a plane, on the subway or on the toilet), it’s worth the buck. I managed to get it free during a promo this week, so if you’re a cheapskate, keep an eye out.
If you have a suggestion for an App of the Week, email me at tremorx@me.com.True Internet Fact # -121dB
I want his beard.
Tonight we’re going to play a little game I like to call “Build-a-Conspiracy.” It’s like Build-a-Bear, only instead of something cute and cuddly, you get to take home something that makes Mel Gibson lock his food in his fridge so a pack of wild negroes doesn’t rape Julia Roberts.
Since I’m a huge fag who loves Apple shit, I’m going to use the iPhone 4 Antenna story for my example!
Step ONE:
Take a very popular news story that seems wildly over the top or incredibly schadenfreude that gets people in a stupid tizzy, while something that actually affects life and limb (and should rightfully get people in a stupid tizzy) gets barely a mention. These stories will probably share some similarity. In our example, we have the iPhone reception issues – which Apple blames on a minor software issue – being blown out of proportion (with CNN even going so far as to suggest using Duct Tape on it!), while Toyota shifts the blame of their sticking accelerator from their software to the driver. In fact, the antenna “problem” is a bigger problem for Nokia than it is Apple. Whaaat?
Step TWO:
Figure out who is involved in the story itself. In this case, we have CNN, Apple, and Toyota.
Step THREE:
Look at who has the most to gain from the story. In our example, Apple’s main iPhone competitors are, currently, Google, Microsoft, and RIM. Toyota also has something to gain, since it’s distracting people from their stuck accelerator pedals.
Step FOUR:
Add several grains of salt, and put all of these names in a blender. Pour over ice.
Step FIVE:
Take note of any partnerships, business mergers, or general alliances with groups on either side of the argument. Ah, here’s one! It looks like CNN and Google have a common interest in advertising.
Step SIX: Has the subject of the original story done something to provoke any of the parties in step 5? For our example, we can look just a few weeks back, where Apple basically tells Google to piss off by not allowing ads that benefit a direct competitor! It makes some sense, as Google is trying to play both ends against the middle – if the iPhone kills the Android, they get the biggest piece of the advertising revenue pie. If the Android kills the iPhone, they still get the biggest piece of the advertising revenue pie.
Step SEVEN: This is by far the most enjoyable part of Build-A-Conspiracy. Start making connections between all of these different elements, and draw your own conclusions!
Example:
CNN and GOOGLE go into business together with advertising.
The iPhone becomes popular, and GOOGLE buys up ad companies that specialize in iPhone advertising.
GOOGLE releases a direct competitor to the iPhone, which gains market share quickly.
Meanwhile… TOYOTA begins having problems with people wrecking their cars due to what appears to be sticking accelerator pedals.
APPLE stops allowing GOOGLE to advertise on the iPhone, and develops its own advertising engine (iAds).
GOOGLE has a new device, the EVO, released. It fails to live up to expectations, has poor battery life, etc.
TOYOTA releases a statement blaming the sticking pedal on the driver driving it wrong.
APPLE releases a new device. A minor flaw is found. The Internet (in true Internet fashion) blows this out of proportion, claiming every manner of bad thing short of it causing cancer. Steve Jobs flippantly tells an annoying blogger, “You’re holding it wrong.”
TOYOTA will need to spend a lot of money advertising this year’s TOYOT-A-THON.
GOOGLE gets a partner, CNN, to propagate the story, going so far as to exaggerate it.
GOOGLE can now seal the deal with TOYOTA.
BAM.
Step EIGHT:
Blog it! Get other people to blog it! Spread it around! Pretty soon everyone will think you’re nuts. As long as you continue to make things up and blow them out of proportion, you’ll be eligible to become a member of the Republican Party! THEN – if you manage to hold onto your sanity – then you can infiltrate their headquarters and burn it down. After they blow you first.
True Internet Fact #19237429-Alpha
If you don’t listen to The Black Keys, then get out of my face. You suck and you smell like poo mixed with refried beans.
Day at the Beach
First video I’ve taken with the iPhone 4. Still amazed at the quality of it.